What Miss Universe really wants to say in her acceptance speech, rather than the dribble she will spout from behind blinding porcelain veneers...

(Long title problems-it should read)
What Miss Universe really wants to say in her acceptance speech, rather than the dribble she will spout from behind blinding porcelain veneers (I’ll give you a clue it’s not world peace!).


“Oh my goodness this is so unexpected, I can hardly believe it. I would like to first and foremost thank…

Yes, yes, yes!
Now I can become an Actress and marry a Director and have lots of Actor/Director/Executive Producer children and he can buy me Louis Viutton and Gucci and Christian Louboutin and all I will have to do is fulfil his less than imaginative sexual desires-it’s a good thing he fires blanks most of the time because unlike fine wine, spunk does not get better with age (Note to self will have to get artificially assimilated/interrogated errr…made pregnant ) and then once I do he’s trapped and can’t get rid of me and if he does I’ll use the brats money to take care of myself, after all, all this all this doesn’t just happen by accident.
But even now I can see in the monitors how fat I look in this dress. I will start my diet tomorrow…I’ll have anorexia for breakfast and coke for brunch and a liquid lunch and get caught for DUI, Paris and Lindsay and Nicole have all done it. Then i'll spend the remainder of the evening with prostitutes and pimps, one will proposition me, and then I’ll have a nice bite of bulimia for dinner…lovely!

…“I would like to first and foremost thank God for all his creation and guidance. And I would like to thank my Mom and my Dad and (blah and blah and blah, blah blah), and (something about) world peace and (blah, blah)…goodnight.

Not by the paedophilic play ground that is wet and sandy, but in front of… “Welcome to Disneyland. Please count your children before you leave as...

(The title should read as the following but was too long)
Not by the paedophilic play ground that is wet and sandy, but in front of… “Welcome to Disneyland. Please count your children before you leave as any mistakes cannot be rectified later!”


“Oh I do like to be beside the seaside…” no I don’t actually. I think I would rather be above or in front. Perhaps it could come from behind and pretend to sneak up on me like in one of those old 50’s style camera shots that little families from Texlahoma would have, with their stripy swim suits from their knees to their neck. The only skin protruding from their heads shoulders knees and toes knees and toes, sufficiently ensuring the highest quality of forced dignity at all times. Their parents, all the while, become increasingly aware that under the flimsy material the child is still naked and an old man is taking their picture, imagining their nakedness beneath and pleasuring himself at nights dreaming about how if he were on a desert island, his one luxury item would be that bathing suit on an immortally small child. (The dream is not gender specific).

Can you sunbathe topless in a garden that backs onto an elevated train track without feeling optically violated?

You should you could you can’t. You should you could you can’t. You should you could you can’t. You sould you could you can’t. Buy a different house!